This is just a little advice I gave my older brother as he prepares to come home from Afghanistan.
So, you decided to come home….
Congratulations! You, much like a 90 pound illiterate college freshman, have decided to return home after a year of hard work, being surrounded by ass-holes that want to hurt you, and praying that hit you took last week will be the last you are forced to suffer. And much like that freshman you hope to never return. So what are you to do? As you can learn from terrible war based romance movies the world did not indeed wait up for you. And I know a lot of you have questions. Such as, is COD Black Ops 2 better than COD 9 MW3? Did Nikki Minaj wait to release her new CD till I got home? Do people still listen to Soulja Boy Tell’Em? Did the Hobbit have as many good quotes as the original trilogy? Is blood doping still a fad? These, along with many other answers, lay just upon your horizon. When you return home you will be tempted to sprint as fast as you can to your computer so you can scour Alta-Vista for the answers. But much I like my approach to eating a 1 pound bag of gummy worms in 30 minutes I suggest to take it slow and steady. So here is my honest attempt to prepare you for assimilation back into the very culture you fought to protect.
First of all, lets get the elephant out of the room. Yes, internet pornography is alive and running so calm yourselves. Next, undoubtedly you will be asked one of two questions by those you run into state side. One,”Yeah after winning the Masters on my Tiger Woods PGA 2012 game I decided to start looking for a job, why what have you been up to since last May?” Or Two, “So I was watching that Nick Cage movie Wind Talkers, what was war like?”. But chin up soldier, you finally caught a break. Thankfully for you none of these morons went with you over seas so they have no idea what your really did. What does this mean for you? This means you can tell them what ever the hell you want, but you would have to kill them. Ha Ha just kidding (but seriously). You could say “Oh where was I? I was with the army over seas doing a little stint, it was a lot like the movie stripes, say did you ever see that movie? Oh that Bill Murray gets me every time!” Great job! Crisis averted. Instead of asking awkward questions they will chuckle to themselves about how funny that Bill Murray is and then spend the next 20 minutes having a battle of the wits over their favorite Ghost Busters lines and soon forget that you are even there. Now your family and friends are a different story. They know where you were and more than likely spoke to you once or twice. So you could say “What was war like? It was like a summer camp really, in a big desert. Every day we would wake up, go out to the desert, and could not return till we dub a 5 ft. by 5ft. Hole.” Than they will politely ask you if that is the plot to the movie Holes. To which you scream, “You don’t know what I have been through!The Warden drove us hard all day! And those yellow spotted lizards could get ya in one bite! There were some days when all we had to drink was glasses of splooge!” Your friends and family will now be to scared and flustered to ask what splooge is (old canned peaches) that they will never bring up the subject again. Now…..where is that laptop and box of kleenex you earned?
Allow me to now catch you up to speed on some movies you missed in but a few sentences.
Batman: Dark Night Rises: Batman (spoiler alert he is Bruce Wayne!) must defeat the last of the Leauge of Shadows aka Bane before he blows a Nuke in Gotham city. Before he does this he must climb out of a giant hole in the ground. Sprinkle in some chanting of the word “rise” and some Cat Woman and that is the movie I a knut shell!
The Hobbit: Much like the first three Lord of the Rings movies The Hobbit features halfings walking for close to three hours on screen. This time things are different! Bilbo (aka The Hobbit as mentioned by the title) walks for close to 3 hours with a band of 12 dwarves. Ok, so not that different.
The Hunger Games: A bunch of kids from a post apocalyptic world must fight each other to death. Woody Harelson plays himself (a drunk) and Katniss Everdeen brought the single braid down the back to the world of fashion!
Hobo With a Shotgun: Self explanatory
Rubber: Now here is a diamond in the rough! A car tire becomes self aware and starts blowing people’s heads up using psychic powers! Unfortunately by th end you wish it would blow your head up.
Snow White and the Hunts Men: Some one took a dump, called it a script, and made this movie.
The Grey: Liam Neeson (Bad-Ass) Punches a blizzard in the face and than kills wolves with alcohol shooters from an air plane.
The Avengers: Samuel L. Jackson+Flying Air Craft Carrier=Plot. I think I misread this movie.
The Dictator: The United States was scared that the rest of the world did not think we were ignorant and offensive to other nation’s cultures so we made this film.
Piranhas 3DD: If you saw the first one, than you get it. If you didn’t then it sucks to be you.
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter: For the life of me I could not figure out the plot to this movie. Oh and a terrible ending! Lincoln get shot in a theater!
Abrham Lincoln Zombie Slayer: Ol honest abe teams up with young Teddy Roosevelt to fight the undead. Highlight of film, he decrees the Emancipation Proclamation whilst kicking a Zombie’s heart out.
Indian Jones in 3D: Honestly, to me this seemed to be exactly like the original Indiana Jones but in 3D. I dunno.